


Ohne Dich

by Vassindi



Category: Warcraft - All Media Types
Genre: Crying, Dreams/Flashbacks, F/M, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Khadgar kills a bunch of orcs violently, Khadgar losing his mind, Kissing, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Not very graphicly though?, Suicidal Thoughts, Uther is dad, maybe a little bit of comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2016-12-31
Packaged: 2018-09-13 18:38:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9136624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vassindi/pseuds/Vassindi
Summary: Lothar had fallen and Khadgar was left to pick up the shattered pieces of his life.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This has been sitting practically untouched since October, I may add more to it but I want to share what I have.
> 
> Unbeaten. Mistakes are my own.

It had happened so fast, he couldn't believe his eyes. It wasn't true, it wasn't, it couldn't be. All he could do was watch in horror as his life came crashing to a halt. Orgrim Doomhammer walked away from the fight… Anduin did not.  Turalyon had been there quicker than Khadgar could react. Khadgar could only stare in disbelief.

 _No_.

Days passed, it seemed like an eternity. His bed was empty and he could never find warmth. He barely ate, barely slept, he wandered through life feeling much like a lost soul.

Turalyon was the one who came and got him on that day.  Khadgar never wanted this day to come, he didn't want to believe it. Anduin Lothar was dead and today was his funeral.

Anduin was his commander, his partner, his friend. _His lover_. They had been together since the battle of Karazhan. Fighting alongside each other for years, their relationship had grown over the course of time. He had thought he had more time. Anduin had been older than him, he had known their time would be short together but it was too soon.

It wasn't true. Anduin wasn't dead. The man he looked at… cold and stiff, it wasn't his Anduin. The man lying there was barely recognizable, it was wearing Anduin's armor and the body looked the same, he had been held against that body so many times. His heart felt like it would stop.

 _It's not him, not Anduin, he'll come home later and_ …

Khadgar choked back a sob. He wanted the nightmare to end.  He fled from the area and no one made the move to stop him save Turalyon but Alleria held him back him. Khadgar ran until his lungs burned and he collapsed staring out into the sea. The same color as Anduin's eyes… the one's he'll never stare into again. Khadgar put his hands over his ears and screamed until his voice gave out.

 _It wasn't true_.

He drew up runes in the dirt and cast the teleportation spell to where he last saw his beloved - at the foot of Blackrock Spire in the Burning Steppes. He collapsed on the spot where blood stained the earth. Anduin's blood. He dug his fingers into the ground, caking them in red dirt and old blood. He knew it was dangerous to be here but he didn't care. Anything that had gotten too close to him… some scorpids, a few spiders even a dragon whelp... had met with some very intense fireballs. He felt rage burn within him, the orcs needed to pay.  They had took the only person he had ever loved away from him. Khadgar smeared the dirt and blood on his robes and walked towards the spire ahead of him.

There was a small camp of orcs just before the path leading up to the mountain itself, he could see four, though there may have been more in the tent behind them.  He didn't care, they needed to die. Khadgar's eyes shone bright as he concentrated pulling from both fire and ice and slammed the spell into the unsuspecting orcs. They froze in place, screaming as their bodies slowly burned. The tent behind them caught fire and two more orcs rushed out trying to find the source of the attack. Khadgar was ready, the nearest orc took an ice lance to the skull, the body impaled into the ground at an odd angle, twitching as brain functions slowly started to fade.  That left one orc for Khadgar to deal with. The mage glared at the green being coming at him. He waited until the lug to be dangerously close before he cast a fireball with all the rage he had burning inside him. The spell burnt the orc until nothing remained - not even teeth - within a matter of seconds. Khadgar breathed heavily listening to the echoes of the screams die down. They all deserved to _die_.

He didn't know how long he had been fighting - hours or days - but his energy was becoming dangerously low for him, he had breaks between finding orc camps outside the mountain to recover briefly, but never fully. He didn't care if he died anymore but he would put a dent into the remaining orcs trying.

He felt his life force slipping, the last bit of orcs had nearly done him in, he had a gash across his arm that was bleeding heavily. His vision started to dim as he walked towards Blackrock. He hoped he could unleash a powerful spell that would would cause utter devastation from the inside maybe collapse the structure… the mountain looked so far, his legs felt heavy and his eyes started to close.

Suddenly he felt warmth and light, was this what it felt like to die? It wasn't so bad.  He opened his eyes and saw his skin glowed softly. No he wasn't dead, he was still very much alive though the pain had gone and he felt almost renewed.  Khadgar turned and stared right into the eyes of Uther the Lightbringer.

“You know damn good and well that this isn't what Lothar - _Anduin_ , would have wanted for you, boy.” Uther’s voice was absolute, he commanded much like Anduin had.  Khadgar felt himself drawn to the paladin, wanting to obey.

The mage lowered his head, exhaustion finally setting.  “I-”

Uther reached down and pulled Khadgar up to a standing motion, letting the younger boy lean against him. “I haven’t known the commander as long as you have but I know he wouldn’t have wanted you going on a suicide mission to destroy the orcs singlehandedly.”  The paladin drew in a deep breath, glancing around the area.  “Let’s get you back to Stormwind, you need to rest.  The rest are worried about you.  Alleria had to hold Turalyon back to make sure he didn’t run after you.”  The older man tried to steer Khadgar towards where his horse waited for him, however Khadgar barely moved, he was barely alive, Uther could tell how much thinner the boy had gotten, it had barely been a week since Lothar’s funeral.  The paladin sighed, he cared for Khadgar like a son and to see him in this state pained him.

Khadgar slumped, his feet refusing to move, his mana was depleted completely zapping his energy as rage flowed out of him.  He felt strong arms pick him up and hold him tightly to a plated chest.  Was he dreaming?  Had the whole thing been a nightmare?  He put his hand against the breastplate, it was unfamiliar. No it wasn’t Anduin holding him, his chest hurt, tears slipping easily from his tired form.

Uther hurried them towards a small camp he had set hidden out of sight.  He laid Khadgar on the ground as he quickly packed up the tent and put it into the saddle bags.  The paladin offered Khadgar water, who drank greedily, having not drank in days and being in the sweltering heat provided by the lava flows in the area parched him.  “That’s good, son.” Uther’s voice was soothing, it was helping Khadgar calm down, maybe it was the strong connection to the Light the paladin possessed.  He felt the Light flowing through him again, healing him more.  “I’m sorry I can’t do much more, I need to reserve my strength so I can get you to Lakeshire in one piece, Stormwind is too far for you in this state. I’ll have the healers in town heal you the rest of the way.” Khadgar nodded, slipping into unconsciousness.

The feeling of being jostled around woke up Khadgar from his uncomfortable, uneasy sleep.  He felt a strong arm wrapped around his abdomen and his back pressed against someone. He was riding with someone on a horse.  He couldn’t remember anything before Anduin’s funeral.  He glanced up, eyes blurry from the sleep and utter exhaustion. “Uther?” Khadgar sounded unsure, “Where are we?”

“Glad to see you awake, Khadgar.  We’re in Redridge Mountains, I’m taking you to Lakeshire to recover.”

“Uther… what did I _do_?”  Khadgar sounded panicked and tried to move in the saddle but Uther held him firmly.

“Don’t worry about what you did, worry about staying alive.  I can see the lake we’ll be there soon, so reserve the little energy you have.” The paladin let out a sigh.  He’d be damned if he’d let Khadgar die, he didn’t want it, Turalyon and Alleria didn’t want it.  Anduin wouldn’t have wanted it.

Khadgar wanted to thank Uther for helping him… for whatever he rescued him from, but his voice came out choked. The fresh air was burning his lungs like he hadn’t breathed cleaned air for a while. Where had he been for the last, well, _how long had he been missing_?  His world went black again.

***

_Anduin was trailing hot kisses down his sensitive neck.  Their post orgasmic bliss slowly fading out.  It felt so good to finally, finally be held in his, now, lover’s arms.  His body would be sore the next day but he didn’t care, he had at long last been with the man he had desired ever since they day they met.  Anduin’s hands were everywhere, leaving burning trails of desire in their wake.  He went to say something but heavily bearded lips were on his and his words were lost.  Anduin pulled back nuzzing under his ear and whispered. “I love you.”_

_I love you._

***

Khadgar gasped, bolting up in the bed. His heart was pounding in his chest.  The dream felt so real, it _had_ been real.  He could remember it vividly, their first night in Lordaeron they had laid together as lovers.  They had had their moments before that night, kissing and light touching. However the war with the orcs had dampened their feelings as they were more focused on fighting than they were making love.  When they fled aboard the ship to Lordaeron, Lothar had come to Khadgar and told him he wanted more from the mage and if they were to survive the trip and make it Lordaeron they would be together.  Anduin had always been a man of his word.

The mage sobbed, tears flowing as he drew his knees to his chest.  They hadn’t been together long, only a few years but the intensity of the love he felt for Anduin had burned brightly, even now. He doubted it would ever fade.

His tears ran dry has he tried to remember the good times he had with Anduin rather than his death playing over in his mind. Khadgar sighed, wishing someone was there to keep him company, his thoughts were very depressing.  He laid in the bed wrapping his arms around himself trying to think of nothing, but Anduin would never leave his thoughts.  Maybe he’d fall asleep again… at least Anduin was in his dreams.

Sometime later Khadgar heard commotion outside his door.

“Let me see him please Uther, he’s my friend!”

“Turalyon,” Khadgar heard Uther’s calm, firm voice just on the other side of the door. “He needs his rest, he nearly died out there.” Khadgar was sure Turalyon was pouting at the other paladin, his lips twitched towards a smile at the thought.

“Just let me see him, please.  I want to be there for him, you wouldn’t let me go after him during the funeral, so let me see him now, _please_ , sir.”

Khadgar heard a heavy sigh on the other side, before the knob creaked and the door slowly opened.  Turalyon was at Khadgar’s side almost immediately, taking the mage in his arms.  “I’m so glad you’re alright Khadgar, I was worried you were gone for a week! Then Uther informs us he found you nearly dead in Burning Steppes!”

The mage shifted a bit uncomfortably, the last week was still missing from his memory. “I’m fine Turalyon.”  Khadgar tried to sound convincing for his paladin friend and for himself as well. “Don’t worry about me I’ll be fine, I swear.”

Turalyon gave him a tight squeeze before letting him go.  “You've grown so thin… I'll go get you some food-” The paladin paused his eyes cast towards the door, where Alleria stood. Turalyon blushed.

Alleria was as beautiful and stunning as she had always been, though she looked a bit worn - war does that to the best of them.  Khadgar's heart ached for an altogether different reason now, Alleria had lost a good portion of her family to this war. She gracefully walked over to Khadgar and wrapped her arms around his head and pulled him close. Khadgar's head rested on her chest, he would have been uncomfortable with it but the gentle sound of her heartbeat soothed him. Alleria reached down, kissed the top of Khadgar's head. “Selama ashal'Anduin,” her lyrical voice was almost harsh, determined. She looked to Turalyon, giving him a nod, her voice dipping sadly. “Shorel'aran dalah'surfal.”

Slender fingers ran through Khadgar's hair before Alleria released him, he was blushing slightly but he was calmest he had been in a long time. “Until we met again, anar'alah belore al diel shala.” She gave Uther a small smile as she left the room.

It was Turalyon’s turn to shift uncomfortably. “She…” Turalyon took a moment to compose himself. “She left after the funeral and this is the first time I've seen her since.”

Khadgar could see the hurt in Turalyon’s eyes as he stared at the door. The mage patted his friend's hand. “Know that she does love you Turalyon. Her heart beat faster when she looked at you.”

Turalyon’s blush deepened, “I know but she's set on revenge now. I understand how she feels but my path doesn't follow revenge. I walk the path of light and righteousness, an order… she does not I just hope it doesn't get her-” He cut himself off from saying _herself killed_ for the sake of Khadgar's loss, Khadgar knew it too, Turalyon was easy to read much like a book.

Khadgar shook his head giving Turalyon’s hand a squeeze.  “You won’t lose her, she’s young and already survived for this long.”  He could feel the tears forming in his eyes, he willed them away before they fell. “This war won’t last forever.” Khadgar found himself in a tight hug, he relaxed in the paladin’s arms.

“I will not let his death be in vain, Khadgar, I will carry on his legacy and _I_ will win this war.” Turalyon’s words spoke clear and true, Khadgar could feel the other’s determination.  “I know what you were to him, and him to you.  He was my mentor, like a father and it hurt me to watch him fall, I can only imagine what it was for you.”  The paladin took in an unsteady breath, “I swear to you and to the Light I will do anything I can to win this war.”

The young paladin tightened his grip around Khadgar when he started to shake. Khadgar couldn’t stop the tears from falling as Turalyon held him.  The other’s words helped a bit, it was good to know that other people loved Anduin, almost as much as he did. “I believe in you, just don’t get yourself killed out there alright?”  Khadgar gave Turalyon a sad smile.  “I know you have to go, you can’t stay here and babysit me, _commander_.”

Turalyon sighed at his new title, for Khadgar’s sake he wished the original owner of that title was still alive.  “I will never be as great as Commander Anduin Lothar was but I will live on with his legacy.  We all will, Khadgar.  We will honor him until our dying days, he will always be alive in our hearts.”

Khadgar could only nod as tears came anew in his eyes.  He dared not to say anything, only nodding to Turalyon as the paladin stood up.

“When you are better please find me my dear friend.”

Khadgar waved, wiping the tears from his eyes with his other hand.  Turalyon left the room and Uther came in moments later.

“The innkeeper will bring up food for you shortly.  You may stay here to recover as long as you would like to.  When you are fully recovered you may return to the battlefield.” The older man gave him a look that told Khadgar if he didn’t obey Uther would not let him live it down for a while. “I will make sure you get reports on the battle and our location.  Find us when you are ready.”

The mage nodded, “Yes, sir.”  Khadgar stretched out on the bed, wrapping his arms around the pillow. “Uther.” He looked at the wall, not sure that the paladin was still there or not, he figured he was as he had not heard the door latched. “As soon as I have the energy I will teleport myself to Lordaeron.”

“Of course.” Khadgar heard the door latch and he drifted off into another uneasy sleep.

***

_There was no moons it made the night perfect for fireworks. Khadgar had looked to Anduin as they stood on the balcony of the keep alone._

_“We're still doing fireworks despite the advancing orcs?” Khadgar was a little confused, they had been fighting so long before now why would they have something so simple as fireworks?_

_“Symbol of hope, a new beginning.” It was a simple statement from Anduin, Khadgar understood and nodded his head. The citizens of Stormwind needed hope as the orcs advanced closer every day._

_Khadgar jumped startled with the suddenness of the first bang. He stared in awe, he could do his own fireworks with some of his mage cantrips but nothing on this level. Several more bangs went off followed moments later by bright flashes of light. He felt Lothar's hand run through his hair, a gesture he did often then felt the weight of Lothar's arm on his shoulder, that was new._

_“Beautiful.”  Lothar had nearly whispered, Khadgar barely hear it over the loud banging. Khadgar turned to look at Lothar, the warrior was looking at him rather than the fireworks display. Lothar moved, pulling the mage closer until they were face to face, bodies pressed together._

_Khadgar's breath caught in his throat, even in the dark he could see the clear blue of the other's eyes. “Lothar…?”_

_Lothar's hand brushed the light whiskers on Khadgar's cheek. The warrior placed a finger under Khadgar's chin and gave a gentle nudge upwards. “Call me Anduin.”  Anduin didn't wait for a reply, he pressed his soft lips to Khadgar's._

_The mage was shocked, Anduin was kissing him, it was his first kiss and he realized he didn't know what to do as his brain froze up, and he went slack in the embrace._

_Anduin pulled away, Khadgar was missing those lips almost immediately. “Sorry, Khadgar it must be the wine-”  The warrior never got a chance to finish the blame because Khadgar was kissing him this time._

***

Khadgar woke, his pillow wet from the tears he was crying as the dream had triggered memories of his and Anduin's first kiss.  Their first kiss had been sloppy, Khadgar had been inexperienced but as the night wore on Khadgar was getting the hang of it. He touched his lips, gently stroking them as he recalled how soft Anduin's lips were a stark contrast to the roughness of the warrior's beard.  Their first kiss lasted passed the fireworks and well into the night, Khadgar had wanted more but Anduin refused to go further than kissing. He had told Khadgar they weren't ready for that yet. Khadgar had been disappointed but in hindsight he was glad they had waited until Lordaeron, instead of lust driven rutting like it would been the night of their first kiss, they had made love instead. Khadgar cursed his body's reaction to his thoughts and dreams, he still desired his warrior.

He ignored his body, turning to see that food had been left on his nightstand. He needed to get his strength back up. He needed to help Uther and Turalyon finish this war. He could mourn later. But thoughts plagued Khadgar's mind as he ate slowly so he wouldn't upset his stomachand.

_If only I had told him sooner how I felt we would have had more time…_

_If only I had been by his side during that fight I could have saved his life._

If only… if only he hadn't fallen in love with Anduin.

 _No_.

No, no, no, _no_. He told himself, he couldn't think like that, not now.

He had loved him, _still_ loved him. It was a greater power that brought him to Anduin, made them friends and something more. Khadgar rubbed at his eyes, the could feel the puffiness under his palms. He was finally calm enough to think more clearly. He was hungry but the thought of food, and even the bit he just ate, made his stomach turn. He could try to eat again later, first he needed a bath, he could _smell_  
himself.  He was sure Uther had cleaned him up some but he needed to soak.

Khadgar wished he had the energy to teleport himself back to Lordaeron and make use of the royal bathing chambers. Instead he got up, his legs shaking under him, and struggled to make it to the door. He felt like he had been in bed for a month! Uther wasn't clear on how long he had been missing and how long he had been asleep. Khadgar could guess it had been at least two or three weeks.

The mage returned to the room, much later after a good scrub and a walk along the lake.  He was so exhausted, uneasy sleep and lack of food had finally gotten to him.  It wasn’t the physical exhaustion either, he was mentally exhausted as well.  His head throbbed.  Khadgar wanted nothing more to curl up in bed, sleep and hope his subconscious would have mercy on him.  He was glad to see that someone had brought fresh food and changed the bedding. Khadgar ate slowly, eating almost all of it before he couldn't go on anymore. He placed the tray outside the door before he settled in on the clean bed.

In his sleep he didn't dream of what has happened in the past, he dreamed of the future and what he needed to do. Close the portal. Medivh had opened it to allow the orcs to come through and Khadgar needed to shut it to keep them from coming still. He didn't need to return to the battlefield anymore, he'd be too reckless, he would likely get himself killed. Khadgar woke with a start. Fresh food left by his bedside again. Khadgar's body felt renewed, energized. He felt the arcane flowing through him once again.

Khadgar looked gratefully at the food, downing it all quickly. His mind was set, he pushed all other thoughts from him and settled on two: getting Medivh's spell book from Karazhan and getting to Black Morass to close that portal.

**Author's Note:**

> Ohne Dich is a song by Rammstien it translates to "Without you."
> 
> Translations:
> 
> Selama ashal'Anduin - Justice for Anduin.
> 
> Shorel'aran dalah'surfal - Farewell my love.
> 
> anar'alah belore al diel shala - by the light of the sun, safe travels.


End file.
